Such a Schmuck

This afternoon I headed out to Tiger Schulmann's, ready for another night of training. There's no questioning the routine: it's Thursday afternoon and I was geared up to go. I stuffed my now-dry grappling shirts and pants, stuffed them in my bag full of kickboxing gear and slung the 30 pounds over my shoulder. I checked my pockets: wallet, phone, keys...check check and check. I grabbed my iPod, threw in my headphones - the same headphones that got water damaged this past Sunday and only the left earbud works. I put both earbuds in anyway - my little signal to the world that I don't want to be bothered with you. I've got that look in my eye...that look of determination and single-minded focus on getting to TSK and pushing myself. I threw on any random tune and headed out.

As I walked down York Ave, I blew right past one of those obnoxious kids from Children's International trying to get me to stop and save the children - I was glad I had both earbuds in: a clear sign I wanted nothing to do with him or his sales pitch...he leaves me alone. I manage to catch the M79 headed to the subway - the bus is half empty so I hop on to save a few minutes. I am absorbed in a game of Blokus, and barely remember to get off the bus @ Lexington Ave. I hop off the bus and walk back to the corner to walk the 2 blocks to the 6 train downtown. I see an old woman leaning onto the garbage can on the corner, cane draped over one shoulder. She's wearing a one-piece pink dress that goes down to her ankles - I pay little attention as I walk around her - I hear muffled speak through my non-functional earbud. I assume she's asking for change - I'm sad, but I'm resolute. It's a personal policy that I don't endorse begging, or selling candy on the subway, or subway car acrobatics/singing/preaching, or people who try and stop you on the sidewalks asking you to support a cause/politician/starving children half a world away. I remain in my own world - I distract myself with the tunes in my left ear and ignore the woman behind me. I hear her say something to someone behind me..."I don't want to bother you, sir...". I continue living in the assumption that she's begging - I can't wait for the light to change and walk away from it. Then she taps the bag slung over my shoulder, with reluctance I pull the earbuds out of my ears and turn to her - as kindly as I can muster - completely prepared to tell her I won't give her any money...

"Can you please help me across the street sir?"

I take a second, and I say to myself: "You're such a schmuck, Chris."

I throw on a smile, "Of Course, Ma'am." I shift my bag, hold out my right arm and she grabs around my elbow, and I escort her around the cars and trucks that cheated the red light and force us to navigate through the crosswalk carefully. She extols about how crazy New York drivers are, and she's thankful for my help. "You must not have heard me with all that music.", she says. I make up a lame excuse that I had turned it up because their was a bunch of loud kids on the quiet bus I was just on. The crossing completed without incident, she thanked me in such a sincere way that my heart was calmed. The ignorance I initially showed her was forgotten - she was simply grateful for my assisstance. I wished her a pleasant day - and she return my wishes in kind. We parted ways as I weaved through my fellow pedestrians the 2 blocks to the 77th Street station.

I swiped my Metrocard, and waited for the subway - still contemplating what just occurred. "Am I really so negatively conditioned to this city?", I asked myself. I presume everyone's out to try and sell me on something, beg me for something, to bother me. I realize that this city's makes me act coldly sometimes. I realize that it's not entirely me being a schmuck when I ignored the woman - I honestly did not hear her clearly...but I instantly recalled my buddhist & taoist learnings regarding how something's true nature can be obscured by approaching it with pretenses and assumptions. I just assumed that the noise in my ear was begging, based on preconceived notions of someone learning on a garbage can - and those assumptions can cause misunderstandings which lead to guilt and regret.

I realize that there's no harm done - ultimately I did the right thing and performed the right action with the right mindset. I realize that this was the world's way of teaching me a lesson in awareness - true awareness cannot come by maintaining some insular mindset.

It cannot come by tuning out the world with an iPod.

I realize that I'm not a schmuck - I'm just a human that needs to tune out less often.